How A You Before Me Mindset Builds A Lasting Love
What’s your marriage mindset?
Perhaps that question sounds a little crazy. But whether you realize it or not, you have a marriage mindset. It may not be anything groundbreaking or philosophical. But every person in a relationship behaves in a manner that’s synonymous with their mentality towards marriage.
Maybe that mindset is:
Marriage phobia
Making your marriage a last priority
Remaining committed to seeing it through
Whatever your mindset may be, I’m requesting that you put it aside for the duration of this post. I’d just like to spend a few minutes sharing a radically different approach towards marriage.
So, turn yourself over to me. And let’s explore how adopting a you before me mindset can strengthen, or even, save your marriage.
We Live In a Me First Society
Guys, do you remember the very first time she caught your eye? Maybe it was her million dollar smile or the way her hair bounced around her face. Maybe, just maybe, you couldn’t resist those voluptuous curves.
What about you, ladies? Maybe it was the fine ride he pulled up in. Or perhaps that 6-3 muscular physique sent chills down your spine.
The chemistry electrified your body. Physical intimacy left you satisfied. Your time together was intoxicating.
After dating for a while, you realized you caught a good one.
“Yes, this person is going to please me in every way imaginable!” Putting Someone Else’s Needs Before Your Own Is Unnatural. Instinctively we’re wired to consider the various ways someone can benefit us. The problem is we carry that same selfish mentality into marriage.
Your motivation for marrying starts looking something like this:
Locking in financial security
Expecting on-call sex whenever and wherever you want
Finding lifetime companionship
Maintaining social status and appearances
Gaining home cooked meals and a tidy place
Did I touch a nerve with any of those?
If so, don’t feel bad. That’s human nature at work. But here’s the problem…
Unrealistic Expectations Set The Stage For Heartache And Disappointment
Selfish thoughts tend to cloud our judgment.
If I could just change my spouse
Why doesn’t my wife look like that?
Why doesn’t he act like her husband?
Why can’t I get that kind of sexual fulfillment in my marriage?
Focusing on meeting your own needs is a guaranteed way to destroy your marriage. Think about it. If you’re concentrating on ways to get your spouse to please you, you’re not thinking of ways to please your spouse.
Ultimately, this leaves your partner feeling empty, insignificant, and unappreciated. Do you honestly think someone who’s feeling those negative emotions will be motivated to please you?
“Committing to a lifetime of fidelity is impossible if you’re committed to fulfilling your own needs. Relinquishing your need for self-fulfillment will enable you to tend to the interests and needs of your spouse. ”
Start By Getting Your Spiritual House In Order
God didn’t design marriage to be self-serving. The covenant of marriage was created for two to become one. But learning how to put this concept into practice is rarely taught. It begins by putting Christ at the center of your relationship. No matter how strong you think you are, you’re not strong enough to do this alone. As humans, our flesh is weak and ego large. You’re going to search for ways to get to the edge of the boundaries without crossing the line.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus. Phil 2:3-5
But turning it over to Christ protects you and your marriage. It says,
“Lord, Thy will be done.”
Now His word becomes the compass for your relationship. You’ll no longer have to seek answers from yourself or society to determine how to cultivate a thriving marriage. Releasing your burdens and placing your trust in Christ plants the seed for developing a new mindset.
What’s A You Before Me Mindset?
Adopting a You Before Me mindset is vowing to place the needs, well-being, and desires of your spouse before your own.
Yes, a far cry from society’s perspective.
I wish I could say my wife and I entered into marriage with a selfless mentality. But that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Link to Our Story Page
We began our marriage with all types of expectations. Zonnette expected me to maintain the level of romanticism I portrayed before tying the knot.
Drawing nice, warm bubble baths
Taking her on picnics in the park
Showering her with thoughtful gifts
Whisking her away for an evening of dinner and dancing
Taking time to listen to her share what’s on her heart
I had my share of unspoken expectations too. Consistent sexual intimacy was at the top of that list. But I also wanted:
Companionship
Freedom to pursue hobbies
Respect as a man
But the responsibilities of married life got in the way. Suddenly we were paying bills, grocery shopping, and co-parenting. It certainly didn’t leave much time for romance and meeting each other’s needs.
But the moment we became intentional about putting each other first is when everything shifted. Our mindset changed, which lead to a heart change. Ultimately, it showed up as a behavioral change.
Practicing You Before Me Strategies
Becoming a student of my wife is the best investment I’ve made in my marriage. I realized that I didn’t need to understand all women. I just needed to understand the one I was married too. Our process of studying each other revealed a few things.
Connecting emotionally enhanced our physical intimacy
Scheduling date nights kept our relationship fresh and exciting
Experiencing new adventures together left us mentally stimulated and intrigued
Learning together challenged both of us to progress
Consistently pouring into each other resulted in both of us feeling understood and fulfilled. By putting the other person’s needs first, we created the relationship we desired.
Now I’m encouraging you to become a student of your spouse too.
What turns him on?
What pushes her away?
What makes her laugh?
Link to the 5 Love Languages
You may discover that listening to her vent about her rough day was the one thing she needed to feel loved and understood. You might find that an hour of solitude is the distraction your husband needs when coming home from work. Embrace those lessons and build on them.
Our You Before Me Coaching Programs will help you develop a game plan to consistently put your spouse first.
You Before Me Coaching
Designing A You Before Me Marriage Can Help You Strengthen Your Marital Bond
God’s plan is for you and your spouse to love, honor, and cherish one another. A You Before Me mindset says that with every interaction I’m putting you first. This ultimately leads to both individuals feeling happy and fulfilled as they walk through marriage together.
Try letting go of your selfish ways, hurt, and anger by putting your partner first. Give this exercise a go.
Next time you’re in the middle of a disagreement with your spouse, quit fighting to be right.
STOP and Think:
How does my spouse feel right now?
What is she really saying?
How have my actions made him feel?
How can I change the direction of this conversation?
I’m sure you never want to be the one to make your partner feel devalued or rejected in any way. Taking the time to listen with an open heart will help your spouse feel happy, understood, and accepted.
Men, I’d like to share a simple prayer I pray to help me consistently focus on putting my wife first.
Lord, help me die to any selfish ways that would keep my wife from trusting and following me as I follow you.
Ladies, you may want to try praying something like this.
God, empower me to break free from treating my husband like he is on a married system and remove any self-centered conditions I have in its place.
I’m challenging you to think of one selfless act you can do to serve your spouse today. Now swallow your pride and go do it. You’ll be glad you did.
Charles,
Founder You Before Me